The following took place on Tuesday, November 6th in Houston, Texas, just before dinner or so. Or it never happened at all.
[Kareem Jackson and Jadeveon Clowney enter the Texans’ locker room.]
Jackson: In here, JD, this is when they always put them out for the coaches.
Clowney: Can’t believe I’m here on my day off. These better be some really good donuts, man.
Jackson: Trust me, you’ll be glad you came in for ‘em.
Clowney: Do they have those chocolate-filled donuts?
Jackson: Those are the first to go. They’re just in here. Try not to be so loud. We don’t want to let Coach know we’re in here.
[They walk into the weight room. Sitting in a circle are Bill O’Brien, Romeo Crennel, J.J. Watt, and Deshaun Watson.]
Clowney: Wh-what are y’all doing here?
[There’s an audible click as the door is locked shut. Kareem stands by the door, arms folded in front of him.]
Clowney: What is this?
O’Brien: C’mon over here JD and have a seat.
[He gestures at one of the two empty chairs in the circle.]
Clowney (sits): What’s going on, Coach?
O’Brien: Listen, JD, before we say anything we wanted to let you know that we care about you.
Clowney (eyes widening): You’re giving me an intervention? What the hell for?
Crennel: Dev, we’re getting concerned about some of your tendencies on the field. Also, it’s in the title of the post so we kind of have to.
Clowney: On field? I’ve got five and a half sacks and 20 tackles. I thought I was doing pretty good out there.
Crennel: And you are. Your stat line is really great and we’re very happy with most of your performance so far this season.
[Jackson sits down next to Clowney.]
Clowney: Then what’s the problem?
O’Brien: We need to talk to you about your penalties.
Clowney: Penalties?! You’re joking, right?
O’Brien: I’m afraid not.
Clowney: This is ridiculous. I’m not saying I haven’t gotten a flag this year, but this is unnecessary. And where are the donuts at?
O’Brien: Do you know how many penalties you’ve gotten this year so far? Just take a guess.
Clowney: I dunno. Three?
O’Brien (shaking head): Eight. You’ve been called for eight penalties. Six of which are for jumping the gun on the snap.
Clowney: Eight?
Crennel: At the moment, you are the most penalized defensive lineman in the league, and we still have seven games left in the season.
Clowney: So I have a few penalties. So what? It’s not like I’m doing this all the time. It’s not like a habit or anything.
Crennel: Isn’t it? Last year you were the most penalized defensive end in the league with 13 penalties, 10 of which were for going too early. In 2016, you drew 11 flags. If it weren’t that a bunch of them were declined or offsetting penalties, you would’ve been the most penalized defensive lineman three years in a row.
O’Brien: We’re not saying we’re angry, Dev. We’re just concerned is all.
Clowney: This is bull[kitten]! What about J.J.? He’s gotta get a ton of calls against him.
O’Brien (shakes head): Four penalties.
Clowney: Four?
O’Brien: Four. In fact, only one other player has more penalties so far this season, and we’ve got one of these scheduled for him this afternoon.
Clowney: He doesn’t even get the donuts?
O’Brien: Will you forget about the donuts for a minute? Listen, you’re a phenomenal player. I love the energy you bring to the team and how you put the team first, but this has to stop. These penalties are giving the opposing offenses first downs they don’t deserve. They’re keeping my innovative offense off the field. But worst of all, if this keeps up, it’s going to give you a reputation and refs will throw flags based on that.
Clowney: I’m just so anxious, you know, every time I see the ball snap, I just wanna go up to the quarterback and rip it right out of his hands. Maybe even take the hands along with it.
Crennel: And that’s a great attitude, Dev, but that’s also working against you. See, the quarterback knows you’re trying to time the snap and they’re using your aggressiveness against you.
Clowney (breaks down and sobs): I don’t know what else to do. I just want to do what’s best for the team!
O’Brien: It’s okay, it’s okay (puts arm around Clowney’s shoulder). You’re just doing what you think is best for the team. And we can work out a way to reduce the number of penalties you take. I mean, you only had the one penalty against Denver last week! There’s definitely hope for you.
Clowney: Thanks, Coach.
O’Brien: Just remember that everyone in here lo—...that we’re all your friends and we want you to do well for the team just as much as you want to do well for the team. Me, RAC, J.J., even Steve.
Clowney: Steve?
O’Brien: Yeah, Steve Spurrier’s here too.
[Clowney looks up, sees Steve Spurrier holding up a plate of Shipley’s Donuts. Spurrier smiles and gives him a thumbs up.]
Spurrier: Hiyam JD!
Clowney: What is Coach doing here?
O’Brien: Honestly, I don’t know. He just sort of wanders around...and steals the donuts.
[Clowney, et. al. look at table where donuts were and a Spurrier-shaped dust cloud where the coach once stood.]
O’Brien: I hate it when he does that.
Clowney: So we good here?
O’Brien: Yeah, we’re good. Sorry to drag you in here on your day off.
Clowney: Thanks, Coach (looks at everyone in the room). Thanks, everybody.
[Clowney and Jackson leave.]
O’Brien: Better get some more donuts before Julien arrives.
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